Tears in the Night

It is when darkness falls; when the world has fallen into a slumber; when the traffic slows to a trickle; when the busy day has halted and there is no more your physical body can do. It is then when your heart is awakened with jabs of pain, sadness and the wave of grief has no barrier.

The guard has long dropped hours before to welcome in a much needed rest of your being. The attempt to remain busy is the only rational and conceivable mechanism to ensure you continue to move through life…in a world of uncontrollable pain and anguish of the heart and of the mind. As the guard drops we invite a slumber and the dreams that are beyond ones ability to control them.

Dreams: “A series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep”

The definition falls short on the description and depth of the dive into the chaotic adventures and experiences in the world of slumber. Awakening pains that we work lifetimes to bury and suppress. The waking version is too fragile and vulnerable to acknowledge this reality, let alone begin to overcome and deal with it. Perhaps it is a blessing for the sleeping soul to fight the battles of the waking soul…for the sleeping soul has the strength of a warrior ~ the might of a god to fight ~ the heart of steel to prevent the piercing through.

It is when the world slows for slumber…the ripe time of 3am that my mind is awaken by my heart. It awakes with tumbling tears from my eyes, a tightness in my chest and fits of pain in my soul.

Its when I am caught off guard and I wish to the heavens, beyond all the stars in the universe that the last two years never happened. I wish that my wake was a horrible and distorted dream that I will awake from. This is not the reality. It is only now through my dreams that I have the connection with him.

It is only through my slumber that I see his face…Smell his presence…Laugh in his company…Love without drowning sadness.

Stripping away all else, life is fairly clear and the problem is fairly simple. It is not an issue capable of being categorized as a first world problem. It is not trivial, nor fixable nor a matter I will learn to deal with. I am one of many that exist in society, plagued with the same pains and heartache. My sadness is shared amongst a broad group. The circumstances do not select or discriminate against a people… and the problem is not one to overcome.  Life has created a life before and life after date.

The reality took away my father, unfairly placed him into the confines of my heart, my soul and my slumber…

I am merely a daughter desperately missing her Dad…

~ F.P

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