Tonight, my daughter fell asleep holding my hand. It was in this moment that I truly felt surrender.
Last week when my daughter sought my comfort to sleep, my mind raced between the clothes that needed to be washed, the shopping list that needed to be written, the emails I needed to check, the life list that needed to be ticked off for tomorrow and the general tidying I was distracted by. I was physically present – this is what she needed. She wanted to hold my hand and be there with her. I was there. I held her hand; I stroked her hair; I whispered her a lullaby as I willed her into a restful slumber.
I waited until her growing fingers loosened their grip around mine and continued to wait until they completely fell away to rest lightly upon her chest. I listened as her breath slowed and settled into a deep humming as she nestled into her dreams. All the while I was physically there but I was mentally absent.
But tonight was different. Tonight, I caught myself thinking forward to the time that would inevitably come where my hand would no longer be needed – when my presence will not be required to will her into a restful slumber. There will be a time when bedtimes stories, a million good night kisses and a lullaby will no longer be needed.
So tonight I let the thoughts of the washing and the shopping lists and the house duties fall away.
Tonight I listened eagerly to her breathing almost in a meditative trance at the soothing sounds to my ears.
Tonight I watched as her chest rose and fell in her breath – remembering back to the first nights of her earthly life as I watched her breathing eagerly and with the instincts of a lioness I hadn’t yet truly come to appreciate the depth of.
Tonight I watched attentively as her fingers re curled around mine before they fell away, not ready yet to let go ~ and neither was I.
Tonight I surrendered to the beauty of my baby girls basic need – the simple need to just to be together and comforted and surrendered to being mentally present … for me and I look forward to all the nights where life pauses ~ because these are the moments that count…